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ballerina

July 2009

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Jul. 14th, 2008

ballerina

The lights are out, but you're way too busy following the crowd. I think I'm crashing down.

Hm? I'm supposed to be happy right now, right? That's the general consensus... Everyone keeps asking me why I have an attitude lately, and I can't really figure it out either. I'm moving out in (ABOUT) 2 weeks, with people I generally like, and could learn to love as friends and such, I have a job now, my mom and I are on pretty good terms, the gay kid is gone, I deleted Adam from my phone and my life, and I'm seeing someone new. He's great, nice, sweet, funny, kind ofhates Nicole. That's probably part of why I like him... I love Nicole, but I kinda don't at the same time. We have a very fucked up relationship.

Life is too short for fucked up relationships, but sometimes you just feel stuck. HOW IN THE HELL can I be supportive, when I think my friends are fucking up? When I think my friends are making worse/more stupid decisions than I am? I just want to look at everyone, stand up and scream at them, that just because life isn't shitting on me at the moment, doesn't mean I have to be the perky stupid ass always fun Debikinzz they're used to. I'm not a TV here for your entertainment. I'm not a microwave, there for your convenience. Everything always goes back to the same things. Life is a rerun of a bad reality TV show, on loop, the same bad episode that made 1,000's of viewers say "OMG, HER LIFE SUCKS."

What's the freaking point of trying to be supportive, trying to help, trying to give advice, when that person doesn't fucking listen any fucking way? I can lead the horse to the water, but I can't make that mothereffer drink. It's not my fucking fault, I've given so many opportunities, and everytime I try to help, (which is everytime I'm asked) my help is unheeded, and then I barely get an ahmen, thank you.

fuck all that.