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ballerina

July 2009

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ballerina

I am a weapon of massive consumption, its not my fault, it's how I'm programmed to function.

I don't even really kno where I stand with the world anymore. I think that I've been so outta my head, fucked up, that I've "forgotten" to go to college, for two years.

The first time, I was already registered for my classes, had all my grants taken care of, september/october rolled around and I'm like "Oh SHIT! when did college start?" Oh well. Shit happens, life happens, you get caught up. I've gotten so caught up in the daily grind that I hardly ever have any time to my self. My life consists of waking up, waiting for tony to come home/ going to work, and going to sleep. Sometimes we do do fun stuff, like go to the movies, or throw crazy parties, and go to crazy parties, but really? "When will we tire of putting shit up our noses?" I dunno. I'm over this whole scene. I feel jaded now. I feel old.

I'm not even twenty yet, and I feel like I'm pushing thirty. I feel like I'm light years older than all of my friends, the few people that I might, kind of consider friends. I don't really know any of them all that well. I actually just started to make new friends. I feel mousy again, I don't feel brave anymore, I don't feel like I'm standing on the brink of a bright future.

I feel like I will work at the gas station for the rest of my life. Maybe Cheryl will quit and I will become manager? Doubt it. And do I really want to be a manager at a gas station where the reason I can't let kids, (KIDS!) use the bathrooms is because the owner caught people doing crack in the bathrooms. What the fuck am I doing?

Where the fuck am I going?

Tony and I just had our one year anniversary. I can't believe it really. The past year feels like it blew by. I guess time flies, when your putting shit up your nose.

Comments

Instead of some shitty cardboard answer I'll say this. The world is only what we make of it. This is your life, don't feel like you have to live up to anyones standards but your own. That's not a very wise answer and I probably sound really pretentious but *shrugs* Whatcha gonna do.