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ballerina

July 2009

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Jul. 31st, 2009

ballerina

I am a weapon of massive consumption, its not my fault, it's how I'm programmed to function.

I don't even really kno where I stand with the world anymore. I think that I've been so outta my head, fucked up, that I've "forgotten" to go to college, for two years.

The first time, I was already registered for my classes, had all my grants taken care of, september/october rolled around and I'm like "Oh SHIT! when did college start?" Oh well. Shit happens, life happens, you get caught up. I've gotten so caught up in the daily grind that I hardly ever have any time to my self. My life consists of waking up, waiting for tony to come home/ going to work, and going to sleep. Sometimes we do do fun stuff, like go to the movies, or throw crazy parties, and go to crazy parties, but really? "When will we tire of putting shit up our noses?" I dunno. I'm over this whole scene. I feel jaded now. I feel old.

I'm not even twenty yet, and I feel like I'm pushing thirty. I feel like I'm light years older than all of my friends, the few people that I might, kind of consider friends. I don't really know any of them all that well. I actually just started to make new friends. I feel mousy again, I don't feel brave anymore, I don't feel like I'm standing on the brink of a bright future.

I feel like I will work at the gas station for the rest of my life. Maybe Cheryl will quit and I will become manager? Doubt it. And do I really want to be a manager at a gas station where the reason I can't let kids, (KIDS!) use the bathrooms is because the owner caught people doing crack in the bathrooms. What the fuck am I doing?

Where the fuck am I going?

Tony and I just had our one year anniversary. I can't believe it really. The past year feels like it blew by. I guess time flies, when your putting shit up your nose.

Mar. 9th, 2009

ballerina

Muah - Give a Kiss - Creditzz for my default Icon.

I knew I'd forget to credit Give a Kiss for my icon, so I made it the title. Laugh out loud with me now. It's been like three weeks since I updated, but I've been a busy busy bee. Ryan is staying with me and Tony, so now Tony and Ryan want to do the room mate thing and so I guess we're going to get a bigger place. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet, but eventually I'll work it out.

My sister just walked into the library WEARING MY SHIRT.

I hate her.

I don't even really feel like blogging much right now. Maybe tomorrow. Hopefully I'll get this job at the library, then I'll be blogging alot more often I should think. =]]]

-dema

Feb. 12th, 2009

Rubix Love

Sometimes I just don't understand myself.

On Tuesday, I was ready to leave Tony. If only for just a night. I can't imagine my life without him, but it's getting tough not having our own space. We argue over the stupidest things sometimes, and it usually feels like I'm picking fights, but I can't help it. I know it's not all his fault, it's just that I have a restless nature. We're falling into this boring/married life/'cept we're not marrie routine. I wish we still had that "new couple smell". That's the best thing about when you first start dating someone, and you can't think of anything else, just wanting to be with them twenty four seven, but I guess that get sold eventually. He's not doing all the sweet things anymore. I mean, yeah, he still does sweet things occasionally, but it feels like my hearts not in it. I don't know how to explain how I feel. Let me try again...

I love Tony. Don't get me wrong, more than I've ever wanted anything in my ENTIRE life, I want to be with Tony. It feels like he's the missing piece to my puzzle. I can't remember how I got through life before him, and I don't want there to be a "getting-through-life-without-him" time. Ever. We like most of the same things, we're both pretty obsessive with video games, we both like rollerblading, and usually have the same taste in music. I mean he's even started liking the girly stuff that I listen to. But that all seems a little superficial somehow... Like, I keep thinking those are outside things, music and videogames, but what about the inside things? How alike are we on the inside.

I've tried looking forward, seeing what we can be, but the future is all clouded and murky. There's no magic spell to tell me the future, there are too many crossroads coming in my life. I just wish there was a way to really know if I'm wasting my time,    and my love,   for nothing. I mean, yeah, even if we don't end up being and doing all the things we've promised each other we'd be and we'd do, I'll still love him, and if we break up, I'll probably be pretty destroyed, but I just want to make sure there isn't a dead end at the end of this road. I want to make sure there's something more in the future for us. I don't want to end up too invested in this relationship and have nothing ever come of it.

I'll give it six more months. If I feel worse about this by our one year anniversary, then I'll try to figure it out I guess.

I don't know what to do with tony, and I don't want to know what to do without him.

This is so convoluted.

-dema

Jan. 27th, 2009

ballerina

Grump Groan Growl

Ok so as I walk ino the library I see this old man with crazy gray crazy long hair, sprawled out leaned back in a chair with his mouth open, sleeping away. Actually, I'm not sure he's even alive, but I'm not going to get right up to his mouth to see if he's still breathing. The librarians can handle all that jazz. I'm sitting on Myspace per usual, and hate that I get so bored that I go there, but I do, and I am, so whatever. Yeah. Work totally sucked today. For some reason Cindy feels like being more of a bitch than usual. First off, I only got scheduled four hours today, seven to eleven. Then she makes me take a half hour break, though I need the hours and don't need the break. Then she sends me home at ten thirty five and I miss the next bus back home. So I have to wait another hour for Typh to get off. Then when I go to make my usual vanilla chai tea, she freaks out that I'm not on the clock and I shouldn't be behind counter. I'm like, whatever, I do the same thing everyday, and you've never said anything before today. Everyone clocks out and then makes themselves whatever, you know she never yelled at anyone else for it. Fuck that.

So then i go sit down, and as soon as I sit, this huge rush comes in, and you can tell that Lea is just so flustered and overwhelmed by all these ppl, and Cindy is like freaking out on Lea for fucking up these like 8 huuuge orders, and I'm just like, you shouldn't have told me to clock out, you know there's ALWAYS a rush at ten thirty.

Like, duh.

dema

Jan. 20th, 2009

ballerina

Inauguration Day 09

Ok, so i got home from work, and because I always leave the TV on so a potential burglar thinks some one is home, Obama was just being sworn in when I walked in the door.

I don't think a new president is going to just fix everything though, you know. Not for me anyway. I work in a dead end job (not fired.... ugh) I have a teeny tiny apartment, and oh yeah, I could be preggo.

Obama can't fix that.

And seeing as how I don't believe in abortion, debi=screwed. Literally.

So today, I've decided to treat myself, in two ways. Phase one is already complete; I had a strawberry banana smoothie at work, and it was waaaaaaaaay tasty. =] Phase two is why I'm here, I'm killing some time before I get on the bus and go to Typh's so she can pull all the black out of my hair. I will soon be blonde again. Lawls. Tony doesn't even know I'm doing this today. I hope it works out good. As in, I hope it looks really good and I don't have to dye it a dark color again to cover up the fuck up... I dunno. I hope it shocks him a little when he walks in the door. =]

I can't really think of anyhting even remotely important or slightly interesting to say, so I guess i'll be logging off now.

sayonara.

dema

Jan. 16th, 2009

rawr

Dunkin Do Not


Ok, So this morning, I got out of bed, put on my uniform and did my hair for work. I sit down to smoke a cigarette, and realize, I don't have a lighter. I stand up to go look for one, and a wave of nausea hits me so hard, I barely make it to the toilet. (I know there is no pregnancy though, my Aunt Ruby left two days ago, lol.) After that, I still keep getting ready for work, because I generally don't feel bad, just nauseaus, and after I threw up, I felt like I could make it through work, cause I only worked til noon, you know? So I keep getting ready, and then I have to run to the bathroom again. I felt like poo, but I really couldn't afford to miss work. So I leave to go to the bus stop, and I'm barely down the road, (in negative something degree weather) and I'm hunched over in a snow drift puking my brains out. So I walked right back home and called my boss (at five am, two hours before my shift, and no one answers, I get this wierd squealing fax machine noise....) So I call again at five minutes after six... (in this hour I've already puked two more times.) When she answers the phone she goes, "Oh, so you're calling off too. That's fine. If you don't have a doctors note on Monday, you're fired." I'm like "Wait. What the fuck. I've missed one other day since I started working there. That's two whole days in almost three months. Would you really want me to come to work if I'm puking all over the fekking place?"  I have no insurance, and no way to even get to a freaking doctors office. So she goes, fine, I have plenty of high school students that really want their jobs, so don't bother coming in. Tony is going to be so pissed at me for getting fired. Again. I got fired from Denny's too. No one is even hiring right now. And how do I call my boss and tell her that I didn't get a doctors note, so she won't see me again til Friday when I come in for my check. Cause I told her I'd get a doctors note, but I can't because I feel fine now. Maybe I'll find a doctor in the phone book and go in tomorrow. Just add that bill to my bad credit too. As well as my $98.00 Family Planning bill too. ( I cannot get pregnant, No thank You. I can't afford myself, let alone a little mini me, or Tony... especially can't afford a mini Tony, he eats like a herd of pack horses.) I also am the only girl I know that pays for birth control. All my friends, including Typh, get it for free. But I made more money when I went there, and now I def. do not make nine dollars an hour, so I should get it for free. I dunno.

I think Tony's getting scared I'm going to leave though. Some of the things he's saying lately, like he thinks I don't want to be with him anymore. I don't know what that's about... Like when I talk about this guy that hits on me at work, that I have told I have a boyfriend, you know, I think it's funny that he's so persistent, so when I talk about him, Tony asks things like are you sure you don't want to be with him? I dunno.

So now, I have to find a new job or find a doctors office open on Saturdays... Urgh.

Tonight Tony and I are going to see My Bloody Valentine 3D with my friend Lisa. It looks like your average thriller/horror/date movie, so I'm kind of excited. The last two times we went to see a movie it was kid movies. (Which I like, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I want to see something not so... PG...) We saw Bedtime Stories last weekend, which wasn't what I thought it'd be... And before that we saw Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D, and that was pretty good. Didn't completely stick to the plot line of the book, but basically ok.

 

This is such a suckily pointless post. I dunno.

 

-dema

Dec. 10th, 2008

donuts

America Runs on Dunkin


So, I've been working at Dunkin now since Monday, and so far, I totally love it. (And I haven't even eaten a single donut yet!) But I get up everyday at 445 (Ungodly, I know) and I (literally) push Tony off of me, and out of bed, and get ready for my day. (And since I'm up that early, there is usually NO fekking way that I am going to do much more than mascara in the mornings.) I have to be on the bus by 545, and that's ungodly too, but it's ok. Once I get to work, (and I get there like 40 minutes early), I sit around and do nothing, except for bull shit with customers or talk to Typh. (Kyle's fiance, so basically my cousin in law. And out of all my cousins, she's totally my fav. LOL) I get to drink all the coffee I want for free. (But I don't want to get greedy... Cause then I wouldn't be allowed.) And I try not to get caught drinking too many lattes cause we're really supposed to pay for those.... (the mix and all the fixings is CARAZY expensive.) Once I start, we usually get a rush, because HELLO, it's a donut shop, that's when we get our business, is in the freaking morning.

 

At lunch time I clock out, and I can cook anything I want, and it eat it for free. There's some really cool people that work there. They're all around my age and stuff, (Except for Leah, who used to be a crack head, has crazy eyes, and even though she's not retarded, she is. I asked her the same question six times today and she just kept ignoring me...) Camren, he's pretty cool. But I haven't decided if he's gay, or if he likes girls soooooooo much that he acts like one... Elizabeth... I'm not sure how old she is, because she's short and only looks like 16, but I know she's around 19 or 20 or so. She's pregnant, I think she said it's a girl. And she's got alot of baby daddy drama.... Then there's Jim, he's a giant. But you can totally tell he's the nice sort of giant, that hugs you when you cry. Then Leah. 'Nuff Said. Tabby, she makes all the pretty cakes with the penguins and the polar bears and the flowers and whatever you could possibly put on a cake. She does that. Cindy, my boss, she's a trifle strange. David, who got fired for the second time in two weeks today. Telling everyone that Typh is stealing from the registers, when EVERYONE knows it's him. I mean, really. And I think last, but not least, Typh. I never really knew how cool Typh was cause I always felt awkward around her. (Simply cause I know things about Kyle, that she should/and wouldn't want to ever know.) She's a crazy hard worker, and she's trusted with alot. I could learn alot from a girl like Typh.

Things seem to be going really well with Tony too. Which is wierd, because he's friends with Chris again... And it used to be, whenever he and Chris were together, he'd act like a total ass. Plus, Chris is the one that always took him to go hang out with Madison. And Chris called me a whore.... Yeah, I really didn't like Chris. But, I think I'm getting over that now. I guess he's not so bad. I don't know if I can handle him for long amounts of time or anything, but at least we're cool when he's at the apartment to hang out.

But back to Tony and I... It just seems UnReal how great things are between us. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know it will, I just hope it's not soon. Tony and I plan on moving to South Carolina next year, but I think he'll chicken out. He said that when he thought he didn't have any friends left in Ohio, and he's pretty insecure for some reason, so it's really hard for him to make friends in the first place. So now that he's got his friends back, he probably won't want to go now. I don't know... I just know that even if he doesn't leave Ohio, I've got to. Probably after I finish at Lakeland, I'll try to go to SCU. So it might be more than a year, but I know I'm going. And the sad part is, even though I love him so much, and it'll be really really hard to let that go, expecially after two years (and this is me hoping we can make it that long.) I know I have to go, with or without him. And even though it's a tough reality to face, I've got to. Like I said before, I can't be stuck in Painesville my whole life. There are alot of things I really really want to do, places I've got to see. You know?

I think I'd better log off now, before this gets just a little bit to personal for the internet.

the credit for my default Icon goes to collapsing night. (the robot one, not the donuts i used for this entry.)

*deb

Dec. 5th, 2008

ballerina

What A Sucky McSuckSucknesh

I'm zooming through the web, and does it seem to you like it's getting suckier? Yeah, the web is definitely getting suckier. Because I used to be able to amuse myself for a few hours, even at the library computers, (where there are limitless amount of blocked sites), and now, I just can't. There aren't as many things on the net anymore, that I haven't already seen. People copy each others icons, poetry, stories. Everything is just a repeat. It's really quite annoying.

Today, I'm not sure why I feel the need to write about aboslutely nothing, I just do. So bleh.

I have absolutely nothing to do... It would make me feel completely useless, except I finally got a new job. And it only took me two weeks, when before it took me like two months. So I am now an employee of Dunkin Donuts/ Baskin Robins... Over by Kohls, on Rt. 20... Yeah, kinda by Target. So Helen you should stop in and visit me. I work 7 am to Noon everyday next week. (Except Saturday) and I never work Sundays.

Sweetness.

Literally. Think of all those tasty donuts. =]]

Well.

I'm still freaking bored.

Credit for my Icon goes to give a kiss. =]

Dec. 1st, 2008

idiot

(no subject)


Sometimes there are days where I need to talk. I need to spill. I feel words in my mouth, raging forward, trying to explode into the air. Days I just need to tell.

Then there are days like today. I don't want to talk. I don't want to tell, I just want to sit here quietly and watch you. Try to figure you out, try to figure me out, try to figure the world out. And when I'm quiet, like I am today, people feel the need to talk to me. To ask me what's wrong, to ask me why I'm so quiet today. They don't understand that somedays, you just need to shut the fuck up.

I wish I was the president, so that every once in a while, I could declare a National "Shut the Fuck Up Day". That way people would think, instead of blathering on. A moment of silence isn't enough, you need an entire day. Because you tell everyone we need a moment of silence, and people are just thinking of what they're going to say, as soon as that moment of silence is over.

On quiet days, I just want to think a bit, mull over the things that are happening to us. You know, you absolutely know, what's wrong. If today's a quiet day, and Saturday we just got robbed for all our rent money, then you don't need to ask me what's wrong.

I think it's a bit obvious what might be up.

Sometimes on quiet days, it's not because I'm feeling low, or feeling depressed. Maybe that's a day that I can't get over how great I feel. How much I love you. Maybe that's a day where I just want to let the happy sink in, so that way I can feel it all the way in my bones. On quiet days like that, I just want to snuggle, and stare at you, and just be quiet. So that way my mouth doesn't get to talking too much and fucking up my happy feeling.

Quiet days don't always mean I'm having a bad day, honey. Sometimes that means I've a had a few too many good days in a row. Call it a "happy overload day".

Nov. 26th, 2008

ballerina

There are days,

and then there are days. This isn't really a bad day, it's just awfully slow. Bleh. Boooring.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. What am I going to wear?!  /panics... I FORGOT! I'm meeting Tony's like WHOLE family tomorrow. For the first time. I've met his mother before, had dinner and played board games, that sort of thing. But I'm really nervous about his family liking me. What if they don't??? Then what? Will we be ostracized every holiday? Will Tony never be able to see his family on holidays just because they don't like me? Urgh.

Great. Now I'm having a bad day.

Do you see what I do to myself?

/pouts.

I'm hungry now.

/goes home.

sleepy eyed wanderer,
debkins

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